Today is July 3rd. The day before my country’s Independence Day and 4th of July holiday. Most of the people I know are preparing for or already having barbecues, parties, camping, etc. Pretty much having fun and good times. I used to do that too, but not anymore. This day and this holiday has been forever changed for me by an event just eight years ago. That was the day I was with my mom as she took her last breath.
Eight long years ago today I spent the day very differently. My mom had ovarian cancer. She found out earlier that year, and in February she had surgery to remove her ovaries and all her lady parts in the hopes of eliminating it…or so the doctors had hoped. My mom knew differently. She even told me differently. We knew then that they wouldn’t get it all, and we knew then that she wasn’t going to opt for any further treatments either.
After the surgery, when the doctors said that there were still remains of the illness and they wanted her to go through chemo, radiation, and all that crap, my mom said no. She said, “I’m done…I’m not going to fight it, I’m going to embrace this gift as an opportunity to move on with my life and onto the next phase of life and evolution.” She wanted to transition away from Earth. The doctors pressed, but she held firm. She told them, just sign my approval for hospice care so I can die in peace at home…without pain and without tubes and wires and doctors and nurses. Mom knew what this meant, after all she had been a hospice volunteer for the past five years previous to this. She had been through the transition with many families, and knew what lay ahead. She knew…but I wasn’t exactly sure.
Mom and I used to joke years earlier. She used to tell me what an independent woman I was and how she admired that, and that she loved my spontaneity and my strength. I laughed. She also knew of my queasiness when it came to being around old and sick people, and my perceived inability to take care of messy things…part of why I never had children. I don’t do diapers. So Mom and I joked, I would say, “Mom when you get old I’m going to put you in the Arbors (our local retirement home) and I’ll visit you a few times a week, but this way they will take care of you because you know I can’t.” We laughed at it and she said that it was totally fine with her and she didn’t mind that plan. But that was before she got cancer. Before she told me that if it was entirely up to her that she would die at home…in her bed…right nearby where her second husband passed several years earlier. He was the love of her life, and she never wanted anything or anyone else after that. Now here I was with my mom after surgery, knowing that she was going to die, and not really sure if I could do what needed to be done.
So here we are, the months go on, Mom and I live together with this ticking time bomb knowing that it’s all going to end at some point. Mom was great! While she still had strength she went through all the stuff in the house and tossed out what she didn’t want anyone to find (including old love letters that I think were from my Dad to her). She went through the old photos and, as well as she could remember, she put everyone’s names and dates on the backs of them. We went through them together. She showed me who was who, we walked down memory lane, and I learned a lot about her side of my family. That in itself was a great gift.
She made sure that instructions were clear on what she wanted for her final plans. We even went to the funeral home together to complete and pay for her final arrangements. That was a most bizarre to do. She made me promise to carry her wishes out. She let me know exactly how she wanted the estate divided between my brother and I right down the middle. Everything was so methodical, practical and businesslike…just like my mom had always been…practical. And I complied. I did all my mom asked of me. I promised to do all she wanted me to do in the future. I was, like I had always been, the good girl….the obedient daughter. Then she got worse.
She tired more and more easily. I started canceling some of my clients, slowed down on scheduling more appointments for my very active massage therapy and holistic health educational business. I stopped advertising and stopped planning classes to teach. I started spending more time with my mom at her place. Her house was the “big house” across the driveway from my “little house” where we lived together on an acre of land. Grandma had lived there too in the even smaller house behind mine while she was still alive. That had been a marvelous gift to have three generations of women on the same land. We all had so much fun together.
You see I never grew up with my mom. My parents divorced when I was six and my brother and I lived with our father then. It wasn’t until I had gotten married at 25 that my husband and I moved out to Arizona, where my mom lived, to start a new life together. Away from the hubbub of Brooklyn. It gave Mom and I a chance to reconnect and strengthen our bond of love and friendship. I can honestly say that my mom was my very best friend, and my very best teacher. There was very little that I couldn’t tell her. But now I was losing my best friend…my mom was dying.
As the illness progressed she got weaker and weaker. I spent more and more time with her. I never told her that I was letting my business slip away. I let her think that I was seeing clients while she napped. She didn’t need to worry about me now, and after all I now had a new full time job anyway. I was taking care of my mom and helping her prepare for her final journey. I smiled, I laughed, I kept her smiling. Inside I was crying. I didn’t want her to go. I didn’t want to lose my mom…not now not after all those years we were apart. Not when we were really having fun together. “Don’t go Mommy, please don’t leave me here!!” I never said those words to her. She never heard that from my lips.
Other people couldn’t understand her decision. How could she just “give up” like that? Why didn’t she go for further treatment? Why didn’t she fight? How could I “let her” do this?? How could I stand silently by and help her through each pain filled day and not try to change her mind? They didn’t understand. I understood my mom’s decision. It was HER decision to make, not mine, not theirs, not anyone’s…it was HERS!! While I didn’t agree with her and her decision, and I would have done it differently for myself, I stood by her and her right to make it. Even though it killed me inside to do so.
So here we are on the 3rd of July at the wee hours of the new morning. I had just checked on Mom and I knew it was very very close. I had a feeling that it would be that day. I made sure she was all clean and her medications were administered. I combed her hair. All as she lay there in bed…silent…no longer responsive…her eyes already closed. I kissed her cheek while I stroked her beautiful snow white hair, and I whispered in her ear, “I love you Mom. If you want to go fly with the angels tonight then it’s okay with me. I will be all right…Don’t you worry about a thing any more. I love you Mommy.” Then I put one of her favorite chant tapes, Om Namaya Shiva by Robert Gass, on endless repeat, and left the room.
I cleaned the last of the day’s dishes and tidied up the house. Then went to lay down in the next room with the baby monitor at my side. Hoping to get a couple hours of sleep before it was time for the next round of medications and clean up. At this point if I was sleeping for two hours at a time then it was a long sleep. I figured that this is what new mothers went through. The sleepless days and nights, the feedings, the diaper changing, the cleaning, and I laughed to myself…I used to say I don’t do diapers, but here I was changing the most sacred diapers of all. Caring for the woman that brought me into this world. Doing the best job that I possibly could in my sleep deprived state.
I looked at the clock as I lay down…it was 3:30am. I had to be up again about 5 or 5:30am for the next round. I set the alarm and closed my eyes listening as the soft music drifted into the room. I prayed to God for strength as was my way these last few days. I prayed that her transition would be peaceful, and I prayed that I would fall asleep easily for the next hour or so. Then I opened my eyes. I looked at the clock and it said 5:30am. I held my breath as I listened to the baby monitor. I thought I had heard something. A cough, maybe a gasp. I listened, and then I closed my eyes again and cried…Mom was gone.
I lay there and wept for a while and then got up and went into her room with a little bit of fear at what I would find. I held my breath and slowly walked to my mom’s bedside. It was true…she was gone. There was the most beautiful angel of a woman left there in her place with skin as soft and smooth as a young lady’s. No wrinkles, no lines, no stress, no pain…just peaceful beauty. I cried and then almost immediately wiped my tears knowing that she would want me to be happy, and to be strong. My mind began whirling….what now? The information had been given to me many times yet still it was a struggle to make my body respond.
The phone calls started…the people arrived…our dear family friend came first…then the hospice head nurse who was Mom’s dear friend…then the mortician (Mom had a secret crush on him) who also had taken care of her husband and Grandma. Then my beautiful angelic mother was taken away. As she was wheeled out of the room, I made them stop. I knew that this would be the last time I saw her ever again. I held her hand, kissed her cheek, and told her one more time how much I loved her…and then she was driven away.
It was now early morning of July 3rd and the people came. The phone calls continued…the people came…the rest was a blur….a sleepwalking dream that I barely remember. Then came the 4th…Independence Day. I sat on the back porch with a close friend and looked up at the sky. I could see fireworks going off, and could hear the neighborhood hooting and hollering while gun shots went off too. I looked again to the sky and there among the burst of fireworks saw the stars twinkling. Then one star caught my eye burning brightly as it shot across the heavens that night…and I knew…Mom was home…she too had her Independence Day.
Thanks for listening……Xxxses N Hugz!!
Hi everyone!! I’m back again… took a day off there. Anyhoo… today’s post will be short and simple it’s just a repost of a letter that appeared on my Plurk timeline and one I had re-plurked. I felt it was important enough to post it here as well.
Please do take a moment to read it, and also take a moment to say a prayer for our sweet Mother Earth… especially today on Summer Solstice Day. Thank you everyone!!! MUWAH!!
See you on the grid!!! Hugz N Xxxxses!!
This is an open letter from Chief Arvol Looking Horse (Present Chief and Keeper of the Sacred White Buffalo Calf Pipe of the Lakota, Dakota, Nakota Nation of the Sioux):
Gulf Coast Oil Spill – Sioux Prayer Request
A Great Urgency
To All Nations
Time has come to speak to the hearts of our Nations and their Leaders. I ask you this from the bottom of my heart, to come together from the Spirit of your Nations in prayer.
We, from the heart of Turtle Island, have a great message for the World; we are guided to speak from all the White Animals showing their sacred color, which have been signs for us to pray for the sacred life of all things. As I am sending this message to you, many Animal Nations are being threatened, those that swim, those that crawl, those that fly, and the plant Nations, eventually all will be affected from the oil disaster in the Gulf.
The dangers we are faced with at this time are not of spirit. The catastrophe that has happened with the oil spill which looks like the bleeding of Grandmother Earth, is made by human mistakes, mistakes that we cannot afford to continue to make.
I asked, as Spiritual Leaders, that we join together, united in prayer with the whole of our Global Communities. My concern is these serious issues will continue to worsen, as a domino effect that our Ancestors have warned us of in their Prophecies.
I know in my heart there are millions of people that feel our united prayers for the sake of our Grandmother Earth are long overdue. I believe we as Spiritual people must gather ourselves and focus our thoughts and prayers to allow the healing of the many wounds that have been inflicted on the Earth. As we honor the Cycle of Life, let us call for Prayer circles globally to assist in healing Grandmother Earth (our Unc’I Maka).
We ask for prayers that the oil spill, this bleeding, will stop. That the winds stay calm to assist in the work. Pray for the people to be guided in repairing this mistake, and that we may also seek to live in harmony, as we make the choice to change the destructive path we are on.
As we pray, we will fully understand that we are all connected. And that what we create can have lasting effects on all life.
So let us unite spiritually, All Nations, All Faiths, One Prayer. Along with this immediate effort, I also ask to please remember June 21st, World Peace and Prayer Day/Honoring Sacred Sites day. Whether it is a natural site, a temple, a church, a synagogue or just your own sacred space, let us make a prayer for all life, for good decision making by our Nations, for our children’s future and well-being, and the generations to come.
Onipikte (that we shall live),
Chief Arvol Looking Horse
19th generation Keeper of the Sacred White Buffalo Calf Pipe
Hey there kiddies!!! So glad to see that you have come back for more!!! I just found out that, contrary to popular knowledge, blog weeks only have SIX days not seven! LOL! So that means that today is the final topic for the Big Bad Blogger Challenge. :( The topic for today is:
Well, yes this was my first BBBC, and YES it was a fabulous experience for me too!!!! This was also my first time really getting serious about my blog. I mean I opened this blog account about a year and a half ago, and that was just on a lark and maybe kind of like a dare from my then SL business partner/boyfriend. I had just a few entries… nothing major or really important… or even very noteworthy. Just a few posts so that I could say, “I have a blog too you know” LOL I also think I did it so that I could get that cool little Gravatar to show up when I posted comments to other peoples blogs. (I still can’t seem to get that sucker to work right half the time either.) LOL Oh well, I mean that was all until now… until some little comment I saw from Alicia Chenaux in my Plurk timeline made me think…“You know, I think I could actually do this!… I mean what’s one week?”
I have to say that I had a lot of fun this past week, and it really helped me to break free of my self-imposed “writer’s block”! (at least for the moment) I even surprised myself that I could do it, and that I didn’t give up mid stream (although I was tempted to). What surprised me most of all, was the comments and the feedback that I got from all of you. It really warmed my heart to hear that you read it, and liked it, and took the time to tell me so. To all of you….THANK YOU!! You are truly golden gems!! The support that I gained through your comments and feedback was tremendous and very uplifting!!! Probably more than you know. So THANK YOU!!! Each and every one of you!!! (Yes, sweetie, I thank you too! You have been tremendously supportive to me through this- but then again I did expect that from you because you are always supportive to me- you get an extra special thank you later!) (blush)
As for the future of this blog??? Hmmmm… that’s a good question. I’m still uncertain. I will say that I am definitely up for the challenge again next year!! Also, I found the pressure of the deadline to be tremendously alluring. Not to mention having a topic chosen in order to give me direction. But I will most certainly give it a try!! Maybe not daily, but I don’t see why I can’t do something at least weekly, or maybe a couple of times a week. We’ll see. Just keep your eyes out here to this spot and you never know….maybe something will show up! After all… it’s all about changes isn’t it? ;) Thanks for listening and commenting!!! MUWAH!!! (cozy) (girlkiss)
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!!! See you on the grid!!!
Xxxses n Hugz!!!
PS~ Alicia, do I get my Day 7 topic question now??? Pleeeeeezzzzeee! (rofl)
Hi Gang!!! Me again back for another go round at this blogging thing.
For those of you that are just joining in now, I have been inspired to return to my blog via the Big Bad Blogger Challenge organized by my dear friend Alicia Chenaux. You can read all about the challenge here.
Today’s topic is blogger’s choice, so I think I’m going to take a moment here to talk about changes and reflections on changes.
“The one thing that stays the same is change.” I don’t know who said that first, but I’m sure it was someone! It has always rung true for me though. When I was younger I embraced and looked forward to change. Sought it out at times even. The funny thing is that now as I’m getting older (and maybe a little wiser too) I kind of like when certain things stay the same. I mean not things like the pair of underwear your wearing, cause that’s just gross. But things like knowing I’m coming home to the same place each night. Knowing that if I log in to Plurk or SL the same group of people will be there to welcome me. Things like these are good with minimal changes.
Lately there have been a lot of changes in my life…both of my lives, Second and First. For one thing, I hardly log in to SL anymore I am very sad to say, and when I do it’s just to pay rent or pass a message to someone. I also seem to Plurk a lot less then I used to in the past. I used to spend hours and hours…and hours on both of these activities, yet now I am hardly in either place. All of this leaves me to wonder…do people notice I’m gone? Am I missed? Did I have any kind of impact at all there?
I also know that my general personality in both places has changed. For the better or for the worse, that’s not for me to say, it’s just different. I know what brought those changes about and I kinda like that. Before I had an intimate relationship with my SL business partner, and we were going to take it further but never did. Then he kinda left SL for various reasons…I still have contact with him, but it left a space there. So I plurked more.
I found that as I plurked more, I was in SL less. Yet I felt a stronger presence to SL through plurk than actually IN SL. I think it’s because in SL I tend to stay cooped up in my house or at my mall. Maybe I go shopping, maybe go to a party, but basically I spend a lot of time in SL on my own. But with Plurk, I’m in constant contact with a whole LOT of SL’ers!!! And I LOVE that!!! I LOVE people!!
I love to meet all kinds of people from all over! It brings me a thrill. I love to meet different people and realize that the more different we think we are the more we are actually the same! I know in SL and in Plurk I had been very outgoing, and flirty, and maybe even a little dirty too. (blush) But heck I was single and loving it! Besides, in FL I am soooo not that outspoken….at least not until I get to know people. You may find this hard to believe but I’m actually kinda shy. LOL
Then I met my current special someone and that’s when things really changed for me personally. I think he sees things in me that I need to be reminded of. He treats me in a way that makes me feel different…in a very good way too. I still don’t know exactly how we made the transition from SL to FL, but we did. Boy am I ever glad that we did!!! He opens up my life to new possibilities, new thoughts, new ideas, new concepts, new places, new culture!! A whole lotta new shall we say!!! LOL!! It’s quite exciting, and quite the adventure. I am sooo ready for it and sooo looking forward to these changes.
So I stop, take a breath, and reflect…SL, FL, Plurk…all things change. I think about my friends in SL and on Plurk. I miss them very much by not logging in as much. I think about them a lot too. One thing that anyone who really knows me can tell you is….I LOVE my friends!!! I would do (and have done) whatever it is that I could to help a friend if they need it. In life it’s your friends that help to carry you through the good and the bad times, so you better dam well be there when they need you too.
It’s funny how you can feel so close to people that you haven’t met in the flesh. That you can feel such a part of their lives just through a silly little “Good Morning Plurkies!!! Here I am what are we doing today?” post on a webpage. When they laugh, I laugh, when they smile I smile, when they cry, I cry. And all this we express to each other through those silly little yellow face guys and maybe a dancing banana or two. ;) :) It’s amazing how much those dancing bananas or a little (cozy) hug can mean when you really need it!
Well, I see I’ve been rambling a bit here, and maybe I went a little off topic too… LOL Oh well! Bottom line…things in life change. Just because I don’t log in as much or don’t leave a comment on your time line, doesn’t mean that your not in my thoughts and on my mind and in my heart. So, if you do see me log in to SL, or you do see me around on Plurk please…feel free to say, “Hey Star! Good to see you again! Glad you’re here.” Or whatever may come to your mind. Point being…reach out…touch a friend…let them know you care. Let them know that even if things in life change, you’re still there for them and know that they will still be there for you too! (cozy) (girlkiss) (heart)
Well that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!!! Have fun kids, and see ya on the grid!!!! MUWAH!!! Xxxxses N Hugz!!!!
~the Changing Star
Once again another entry here for the BBBC Day 4! WOOT!!
RL Bloggers – Do you lie about your age? Do you think you act your age? Are you where you thought you’d be at your current age?
OK first off let me tell you I’m 44 in FL gonna be 45 in December… so in a lotta ways that makes me an old lady in SL. LOL Also, no, I don’t lie about my age. I’m quite proud to be the age that I am, but most people think I look a lot younger than that. They have a hard time believing me when I tell them my real age. I do tend to see a lot of jaws drop… LOL Come to think of it, this is probably a little why my SL avie is younger than me in FL. She’s in her early 30 somethings. I think she’s also prettier than me too, but some people tell me that’s not true. I think my avie is younger because…. heck have you seen any 44 year old stripper/escorts??? I think not!
I like hanging out with all of my SL and Plurk friends that are younger than me because it helps me to feel young. Even though I like to think that I act my age… for the most part… but what does that mean exactly? Is there a rule book that we need to follow on how to act at certain ages???? Meh! I still love to have a good time and act silly and crazy sometimes. There are also times when I act older than I am too. I think when I have something in my head that I need to work out, then I might act more like an “old lady”. LOL
This is definitely not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. Where I was “supposed” to be is VERY different from where I am. But you know what?? THIS is where I am, and at this point, right now, with all the good stuff that’s going on for me finally…..I think it’s a pretty dam good place to be!!! So pull up a rocking chair, relax, have a glass of prune juice with your tea, and let’s log in for a little bit of fun!!! (It’s OK if you leave your teeth in the jar too, no one will mind….it’s a virtual world after all!)
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!!! See you on the grid!!!! WOOT!!! Xxxxses N Hugz!!!
~“Old Lady” Star
Me again here, and I’m actually sticking with this so far!!! :O Today’s topic for the challenge is relationships, and here’s the question:
SL Bloggers – How hard do you think it is to find a relationship in SL? If you have an SL relationship, have you met in the physical world? Would you meet them? Do you think it would change your SL relationship if you met?
RL Bloggers – Would you start a relationship with someone you met online? Would you have a problem telling people that’s where you met? Do you think it’s easier to meet someone online rather than at work or at a club?
Well let’s see, I have had several relationships in SL and not all of them were by the hour for the $L either! ;) LOL Seriously though, I have never had a hard time “finding” a relationship in SL. As a matter of fact most of them found me! Starting a relationship in SL has been much easier for me than starting one in FL. I think that’s partly because I live in a rural isolated community and I have a full set of teeth and a college education…this makes me so far out of the norm here it’s not even funny!! Not to mention that the gene pool here has maybe just a little too much or maybe not enough chlorine in it to keep it viable! :P So even if there were any eligible suitors, I kinda prefer that my men walk upright, y’know??
But in SL that is all different. People I meet here are creative, intelligent, funny and a pleasure to be around. Not to mention I think my avatar is one pretty hot looking number y’know?? ;) I think this makes it easier for me to open up and be myself and not feel like I’m being judged because of my body type or looks. I’m far less self conscious in SL that is for sure…. I’m also far more of an exhibitionist too! LOL So yes finding a relationship in SL is pretty easy. Now finding a GOOD one that lasts for awhile….that’s a whole other subject!! LOL
As for meeting them in the physical world sure! I love meeting my SL/Plurk friends in the flesh!! It’s always so exciting and adds a wonderful new dimension to the relationship (be it a friendship or a romantic partner). I have met a few of my SL “lovers”, shall we call them, in FL too. It usually turned out to be fun, but most of them it just didn’t seem as fulfilling in FL as it did in SL. I don’t really know why, maybe it’s because my bed was missing the right pose balls? I’m not really sure. But, those relationships are now in the past and seem to be complete and have run their course.
Now there is the present, and in the present I am in a wonderful relationship with another SL avatar who I did meet in FL!! In fact I spent most of the month of January with him in FL getting to know him while exploring his world and his country. We had so much fun and liked it so much that we are now in the process of making it permanent!! Much to the surprise of us both!! Neither of us thought we would have a FL relationship, and we both thought that all of our “adventures” would be purely in SL, but then SURPRISE!!! LOL Here we go embarking on the greatest adventure of them all!! So with any luck, by next month I will be plurking and logging in from the other side of the world! Instead of being on SLT I will have to get used to now doing the math as I will be on SLT +9!! ROFL Oh well, i guess this is why there are watches.
As for changing our SL relationship, the answer is yes. Our meeting in FL has forever changed both of our Second Lives. For me it meant giving up my SL “career” and really committing to a single person while trying to curb my enthusiastic flirty nature. ;) Knowing now that any little word play that I engage in is purely that…word play. There will be no secret midnight rendezvous anymore. While my avatar in SL was into having multiple partners and experiences, I must admit that in FL I am much more reserved and I love being in a devoted and committed monogamous relationship. As for him, well that is his blog to write! ;) (Love you sweetie!)
When it comes to telling our friends and family where we met, I have no problem saying that we met online. I usually just say that we met in Plurk because I do keep my SL world very far away from my family and from most (but not all) of my friends as well. Trying to tell your dad that you’re a virtual escort/ pole dancer stripper who became a virtual mall owner and business person is not something that I think would go over too well if you know what I mean. ;) LOL So for the most part we leave SL in SL and FL in FL and I met my loving Yak online in a “social chat environment”! And I am sooooo very grateful that I did!
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!!! Thanks for listening! See you on the grid!!! MUWAH!!!
Xxxxses N Hugz!